I'm addicted to facebook. Yup, that's right, I'm addicted and the Holy Spirit has been prompting me for some time that this is a problem that needs to be dealt with. I can usually find a way around His nudging. And it's not that facebook is entirely evil. It has its purposes. It is a great way to stay connected to others, keep up with their lives, be 'in the know', and even run a business. For me, it's the status updating that's the problem. I have long felt this is the specific area that needs addressing. You see, I am addicted to acceptance and attention. I get a certain high (probably not unlike a druggie) when I update my status and lots of people comment on it. There, I said it. My dirty little secret. I have always sought acceptance from others, it's the reason I am non-confrontational. But facebook had a way of ratcheting it up many levels. And the political or social status updates that caused all sorts of commotion and resulted in many people unfriending me, those seem to bring an exceptional high. Most people agreed with me and the ones who didn't unfriended me so it didn't really bother me that they didn't 'accept' me. When I started this blog in May I had all this floating around in my head but wasn't ready to admit it out loud. As with most things in my life, I have to become utterly miserable and uncomfortable before I am willing to change. When will I learn? I still need an outlet, don't we all, but there are better, less selfish ways to achieve that. A blog...people can choose to follow or not.
Another area the Holy Spirit has been kind enough to remind me of daily is that fact that facebook takes precedence in my life over my quiet time with God. Ohh goodness, did I just admit this....out loud? Yeah, I did....maybe no one will ever even read it. But God will and I humbly ask forgiveness for this.
All of this has reached a boiling point recently because in May I quit working as a sub-contractor after months of the Holy Spirit prompting me to (seeing a pattern here?). My job situation was miserable, I was being accused of things I did not do and yet I stayed. I was not trusting God that He had something else for me. I was not trusting God that He would meet our financial needs without me working. Once it was finally all over, and it was ugly, I mourned the loss (or maybe just the ultimate show of nonacceptance.....I may have touched on my need for that above) and have spend the past month in a self destructing, lazy, depressed state. I have gained weight, I have squandered time and I have withheld forgiveness. As if God didn't already have enough to work on with me.
To add to all this we are still waiting to become a foster family (oh aren't I just going to make the best foster mom! Not!) I don't wait very well. I have not been patient during this time and I have not trusted God and that's what got me into trouble. I'm amazed how easy it is to spiral out of control and how excruciatingly painful it is to climb back out. Yes, I heard everyone when they told me don't try to do it in my own strength. While that is true and God will and does give me the strength to do what's right, I still have to make the choice. I have free will. Someone once said, "if you keep doing what you've always been doing you'll keep getting what you've always been getting." I'm ready to do something different....put God first!
